to sleep deeply and wake to myself again

•January 30, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Theres a desperation to this i feel at times,my childlike naive insistence on trying to hold onto flow,my refusal to disappear under the weight of the uncontrollable,the songs that were like battle cries to me then have lost none of their fervor and i still charge inbto each day with as much love and passion as ever even when i hurt,,,,especially when i hurt…..fourwheels down on the tarmac and the drizzle from the ground is spraying up my ankles and im gone,i remember when i was told that my legs arent womens legs and part of me died inside so i took 46 inches of canadian maple ply and walked up the hill breathed and dropped,

 

Mission of Burma playing loud on a sunday afternoon with ramen cooking and me sitting on a stool,i woke up in a state of anxiety but that’s nothing new,no focus, but drive yeah drive see if you’ve got drive you can push you might not where to or what for but you can push back,i’m tired of the pseudo depth,the same old circular conversations where everyone is just shouting in order to be heard but not caring about the consequences of being heard that insane cry of witness me……..how did…..

Im done trying to find meaning in things done trusting people who are so obsessed with the all important i that they cant see two feet in front of the, but there is this to it all,

 

Ive been this tired before and i came out of it ive been this hurt before and i came out of it like the song says its all just ebb and flow tidal movement rises and falls stops and starts but thats half the problem from here behind the cling film wall i know all that, i feel all tha,t hell ive even taught that but right now,i want i want,i want to feel the urgency so bad i want to feel the fire of knowing that things can be different but all that stuff,all that adventure everything ive done all the life ive lived seems so fucking far away so i hold my breath and let the tears come
Why should i trust why should i love why…….because its all i have all ive ever had and it’s always been enough

bimbling manicly

•January 5, 2017 • Leave a Comment

See it’s all about whatever the hell you do with it that elusive whatever? Well its still elusive but damn i’m having one hell of an adventure trying to find it…..small dogs low and busy maxing out the winter sun which is making my heart sing and split and tear and heal so fast sometimes i feel dizzy,so i’m giving up i don’t really know what on but i can feel all that letting go happen, ive never been so alive this deep into the change of years but whatever all the questions are pointless,sure i could scream and shout and retch myself hoarse on the hurt,but i don’t know how to do that and i’m too fucking old to learn now so i just roll,everything smells sharp and i’m alive you know that excited at everything type alive the kind of child like invincibility that so many people give up on and then lament telling themselves  that’s what growing up is,or whatever

 

…hell what would i know i’m a 6ft queer trans girl whose 42 going on 17 and all i can hear is the banjo and all i can feel is the january sun on my back and the wheels turning underneath me and the world in all its contradictory beauty
…hehehehe one day i’ll write something coherent but till then imma just feel it all and be alive

after the drop comes the breath

•December 9, 2016 • Leave a Comment

A thousand beatdowns on a thousand rivers never prepared me for this,what they did do is teach me to let go to , not try and control to not hold on because grasping at and trying to control ony exhausts you and leaves you way more vulnerable than you already are,and i learned that the the first breath after being pummeled is the most joyfull ever and that, that is what this feels like

I feel like ive been holding my breath for a long fucking time and sometime yesterday,i exhaled massivley and joyously the kind of breath that sends tears down your face uncontrallably,it is somewhat fitting the way it all played out meant no time to take anything in just make the decision and commit so i did and now im free,im aware that like all respite it will only be temporary but the world just got a whole lot bigger again and im free and holy fucking dog ive missed that,so yeah ride hard trust the world and love life

contour lines

•November 24, 2016 • Leave a Comment

This battleground is mine at the end of the day it is all i have i know every mark on it both the intentional ones and the accidental ones,some could be seen as wounds mostly there just waymarkers pins in a flesh bound map that mark how this girl got where she is i still remember the first time i peirced myself how taboo it felt standing in the bathroom with a shoplifted pair of earrings the anticipation and the knots in my stomach as i took the first and just pushed it through hearing the pop of the skin and the small rush,the ritual of cleaning became away to seperate myself out from the chaos of the world around me, a strange anchoring piint that was mine it was that act that really taught me that the greatest battle i would ever fight would be for ownership of my body and what i want to do with it and that led….

The hardest part of all of this has been unhearing the voices that screamed into me about whatever they were screaming pouring their own hurt and fear into me trying to break me while telling me they loved me and were putting my interests first so i closed off but that map was always there and i could always trace where i had been and where i wanted to get to on it,its funny when you talk about bodies and what happens with them everyone gets squeamish but i get that they are without a doubt the most complicated space we ever occupy and there in lies the reason we fight so hard for ownership of them

This battleground is mine and i fight for it on a daily basis many have tried to claim ownership and tell me what it is and what it should be but their voices are just howls in the wind even those that would claim to be like me ignore my contour lines and impose their own understanding of it over the top of my heiroglyphics but i know,deep inside i know who this body belongs to and what it means.

purge

•November 24, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Yeah your right it is about me its entirely about me not you you dont come into it, when I ask you not to call me mate dude or man I know its just a turn of phrase but its its about so much more than that its about your unthinking engagement with the people around you, when I ask you not to call me those things you’re not entitled to an explanation its not an opportunity to get into a debate about your credentials about how right on you are I don’t need to hear about how you have this friend or you new to this or whatever the fuck listen to me actually hear me, you’re not entitled to put me in a position where I have to cry something really personal at you to make my point so you can then say oh id never have guessed and find yet another way to make me invisible so you can carry on reading about girls like me then take it and make it all about you when the reality of who I am crashes head first into your carefully constructed picture, yeah you’re right its all about me deal with it.

pasty

•November 24, 2016 • Leave a Comment

So there’s me standing in front of a pasty stall on Preston station, i’m pretty jarred after another crap train journey what had been an amazing day was quickly going south and I needed to eat, when this random guy comes up and says to me “hey I know a load of kids in Baltimore that ride trains and you look like the sort of girl that would be into that kind of thing”,my head did flips like jeez what the hell do I say to that cut back to the question this morning what do you think people see when they look at you followed by my answer of I don’t particularly care, there’s so much going on in my head at that moment like he’s gendered me correctly even though I know I don’t pass for shit hes read the way I look as belonging to a particular subculture and he’s being very sincere and nice, real nice you know I mean that with no snark,i chatted with him a bit and then went off with my espresso and pasty and sat on my bag, in amongst all the being stared at and feeling like I wish I was invisible this one guy had managed to completely save my day, random strangers ,random realness, so much of my time feels likes its spent trying to make myself small which is pretty hard to do when your a six foot trans girl who has no interest in playing the game so it means im kinda carryin around this weight in my gut all the time, so some how these simple little things feel really magical

Im still glowing from this strange little moment two hours later when I guy on the train starts asking me about my bike and we start geeking out about cog size and gear ration he tells me tales of heavy old school steel frames and clipless pedals and im rapt I love this these moments when someones passion overtakes them and they just give in,doesnt matter to me wether I understand or not its just kinda hard to not get caught up in the their enjoyment . sometimes I wonder wether as I got older the world did get more cynical or sether im juxt getting better at refusing to give into it,i know its never going to not hurt but this this all feels kinda pure,strange little things that cause peoples walls to drop and interact with each other unguardedly,dunno I find myself in these situations as often as I find myself in all the ones that id rather not be in and im kinda notorious for over thinkinng the latter,so for now im kinda revelling in all this,this new presenceor in any case thats what it feels like like having aanother shot or maybe waking up again,hmm I dunno my picture of myself is so at odds with what people actually seem to think of me and I know that doesnt make me special but its kinda fun in an uncomfortable way that all of this is teaching me to see myself differentley stripping back all the stuff that fely like it was imposed on me by other peopples and im not even nessacarily talking about the tall girl stuff but just my approach to life.

Validation is a funny thing and ive spent most of mlife avoiding getting close enough to people for them to actually be part of that but theres something about the way everything feels at the, moment thats just is,such a magical phrase I mean after all its what ive been trying to create all these years “just is” and some how it seems to have happened,so I do my best not to fight,when the monster in my head begins to kick off I just kinda acknowledge that its there and move on,im not making light of anything im just in this strange place where im not fighting stuff anymore,im just,hell thatsb always been my problem not being able to articulate how big I feel everything so now I dont bother,

train rides 3 hours ago I was wanting to punch the teeth out of a virgin employee who looked me up and down and then ignored me and now im sitting here drifting in and out of a conversation with a woman aboutcommuting and how expensive public transport is in the uk,i been studying psycology and recentley made the decision to bin it,im tired of all the manufactured intensity and the drive to complicate everything as much as possible by having big theories and damn my head feels so much cleaner and open,ive also been spending a lot more time wandering again and living on my friends sofas going for long dog walks and hanging out at new skate parks,my dad uses this phrase its all just chemicals and ive tried to hold onto that so that when I feel myself starting to bbomb ive got something to work with rather than just the deep primal waaaaaaah that my head feels like sometimes

Iguess ifim completley honest the only thing that really scares me is never being inspired losing the drive to live and create and I reckon thats why I do this, you know making stories out of the things that I seee around,i used to waake up and throw myself at the day,literally just charge off into things with no rhyme or reason now im down for the terminal pootle

unedited and raw

•November 24, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I think its when people think their being nice that it hurts the most you know like how the fuck does it become ok to tell someone that their the best of both worlds based on your assumptions of them as a transwoman,ive always been invisible hell ive spent most of my life actively encouraging it but that leaves me in a strange place the strangest feeling ive had since the day i came out is when does this actually become about me ,when does this actually become about my life and my need to survive and hopes and deams it seems everyone has a vested interest in trans lives these days and none of it is actually about me as a person every where i turn there are badges saying that theyll go to the toilet with me and yet those wearing the badges would write me off as masculine or genderqueer because im wearing jeans and a hoody im still excluded from womens spaces because……and any space i am allowed access to quickly becomes an argument about including trans femmine and….but its never actually about me a woman

Even those that would claim to be radical will only include me on their terms and those terms are non negotiable because if i fight to loudly or stand my ground in a manner wich is to confronting then i am assigened the trope of crazy angry trans girl everywhere i turn my womanhood is denied and i am never allowded to forget that i  am trans

So heres the thing that prefix is mine not yours it is a way marker for me to describe the journey of enacting my womanhood in this world it is five letters that i wear boh as a scar and as a medal to remind you that i am here i am not going anywhere and all the weight you nring to bear on me will not break me it will not bow me i dont want your inclusion,i dont want your allyship i dont need your missionary like handwringing as you stand before me dejected and forlorn because i reject the place you offer me ive said it before i am not authentic i am real and i do not need your validation for there are those that will take me as i am.