to sleep deeply and wake to myself again

Theres a desperation to this i feel at times,my childlike naive insistence on trying to hold onto flow,my refusal to disappear under the weight of the uncontrollable,the songs that were like battle cries to me then have lost none of their fervor and i still charge inbto each day with as much love and passion as ever even when i hurt,,,,especially when i hurt…..fourwheels down on the tarmac and the drizzle from the ground is spraying up my ankles and im gone,i remember when i was told that my legs arent womens legs and part of me died inside so i took 46 inches of canadian maple ply and walked up the hill breathed and dropped,

 

Mission of Burma playing loud on a sunday afternoon with ramen cooking and me sitting on a stool,i woke up in a state of anxiety but that’s nothing new,no focus, but drive yeah drive see if you’ve got drive you can push you might not where to or what for but you can push back,i’m tired of the pseudo depth,the same old circular conversations where everyone is just shouting in order to be heard but not caring about the consequences of being heard that insane cry of witness me……..how did…..

Im done trying to find meaning in things done trusting people who are so obsessed with the all important i that they cant see two feet in front of the, but there is this to it all,

 

Ive been this tired before and i came out of it ive been this hurt before and i came out of it like the song says its all just ebb and flow tidal movement rises and falls stops and starts but thats half the problem from here behind the cling film wall i know all that, i feel all tha,t hell ive even taught that but right now,i want i want,i want to feel the urgency so bad i want to feel the fire of knowing that things can be different but all that stuff,all that adventure everything ive done all the life ive lived seems so fucking far away so i hold my breath and let the tears come
Why should i trust why should i love why…….because its all i have all ive ever had and it’s always been enough

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~ by xpolx on January 30, 2017.

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