So there’s me standing in front of a pasty stall on Preston station, i’m pretty jarred after another crap train journey what had been an amazing day was quickly going south and I needed to eat, when this random guy comes up and says to me “hey I know a load of kids in Baltimore that ride trains and you look like the sort of girl that would be into that kind of thing”,my head did flips like jeez what the hell do I say to that cut back to the question this morning what do you think people see when they look at you followed by my answer of I don’t particularly care, there’s so much going on in my head at that moment like he’s gendered me correctly even though I know I don’t pass for shit hes read the way I look as belonging to a particular subculture and he’s being very sincere and nice, real nice you know I mean that with no snark,i chatted with him a bit and then went off with my espresso and pasty and sat on my bag, in amongst all the being stared at and feeling like I wish I was invisible this one guy had managed to completely save my day, random strangers ,random realness, so much of my time feels likes its spent trying to make myself small which is pretty hard to do when your a six foot trans girl who has no interest in playing the game so it means im kinda carryin around this weight in my gut all the time, so some how these simple little things feel really magical

Im still glowing from this strange little moment two hours later when I guy on the train starts asking me about my bike and we start geeking out about cog size and gear ration he tells me tales of heavy old school steel frames and clipless pedals and im rapt I love this these moments when someones passion overtakes them and they just give in,doesnt matter to me wether I understand or not its just kinda hard to not get caught up in the their enjoyment . sometimes I wonder wether as I got older the world did get more cynical or sether im juxt getting better at refusing to give into it,i know its never going to not hurt but this this all feels kinda pure,strange little things that cause peoples walls to drop and interact with each other unguardedly,dunno I find myself in these situations as often as I find myself in all the ones that id rather not be in and im kinda notorious for over thinkinng the latter,so for now im kinda revelling in all this,this new presenceor in any case thats what it feels like like having aanother shot or maybe waking up again,hmm I dunno my picture of myself is so at odds with what people actually seem to think of me and I know that doesnt make me special but its kinda fun in an uncomfortable way that all of this is teaching me to see myself differentley stripping back all the stuff that fely like it was imposed on me by other peopples and im not even nessacarily talking about the tall girl stuff but just my approach to life.

Validation is a funny thing and ive spent most of mlife avoiding getting close enough to people for them to actually be part of that but theres something about the way everything feels at the, moment thats just is,such a magical phrase I mean after all its what ive been trying to create all these years “just is” and some how it seems to have happened,so I do my best not to fight,when the monster in my head begins to kick off I just kinda acknowledge that its there and move on,im not making light of anything im just in this strange place where im not fighting stuff anymore,im just,hell thatsb always been my problem not being able to articulate how big I feel everything so now I dont bother,

train rides 3 hours ago I was wanting to punch the teeth out of a virgin employee who looked me up and down and then ignored me and now im sitting here drifting in and out of a conversation with a woman aboutcommuting and how expensive public transport is in the uk,i been studying psycology and recentley made the decision to bin it,im tired of all the manufactured intensity and the drive to complicate everything as much as possible by having big theories and damn my head feels so much cleaner and open,ive also been spending a lot more time wandering again and living on my friends sofas going for long dog walks and hanging out at new skate parks,my dad uses this phrase its all just chemicals and ive tried to hold onto that so that when I feel myself starting to bbomb ive got something to work with rather than just the deep primal waaaaaaah that my head feels like sometimes

Iguess ifim completley honest the only thing that really scares me is never being inspired losing the drive to live and create and I reckon thats why I do this, you know making stories out of the things that I seee around,i used to waake up and throw myself at the day,literally just charge off into things with no rhyme or reason now im down for the terminal pootle


~ by xpolx on November 24, 2016.

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