Stuck

Yeah here we go again, stomachs getting tight and she cant get any food into it, that means that somewhere just around the corner theres a crash coming so she starts to switch off completley going into protective mode making sure that her personal space is as it should be that those that matter to her know that there isnt actually anything wrong its just shes gonna have to ride this out cos trying to stop it would be like being numb and well shed rather be broken than numb broken she can fix, books get stockpiled water gathered everything she needs when the collapse happens,these things have become automatic over the years feeling that slow burn in her stomach then the gradual slip away of her ability to be able to do anything other than function at a basic level. she walks back from the shop a with bag full of the ingredients of a magical four day curry, batch cooking is one her skills she’s most proud of for the simple fact that if she has a huge pot of food made she will at least kind of eat properly depending on how long all this lasts for. Its been awhile since shes felt like she was going to siege with herself but then recently she’s been driving stuff pretty hard finding herself in intense situation after intense situation so now she’s burned hitting the wall hard and needs to stop. but first she’s got to get through all the anxiety, they say to reach out talk to someone but that’s insane you talk to someone and they have answers well meaning ones but useless ones you talk to people and they say well have you tried this and you reply yes hell I tried getting fucking drunk for ten fucking years and its still there, so here she is in touch with her feelings like she really has a choice, getting ready to retreat so she doesn’t burn everything down around her and destroy the life she s built here first comes the anger rolling waves of intense irrational anger that leads to huge heart rending sobs she knows how to deal with that so she hammers her body until she collapses until she ‘s so physically tired that she cant do anything but sleep and that works for a few days, then comes the blank and she retreats into quiet music that helps her to hold her self steady starting to draw more and journal in an almost manicly focused way with it turning into pure stream of consciousness, when the words finally stop coming, she knows that whatever was blocked has shifted and that its time to start getting clean again, to gently begin to move forward to seek out the people who know her properly to begin dreaming again,those who hold her without judging who have seen her do this a thousand times and who do not worry because they know she will always come back and that she couldn’t do anything else she does if she wasn’t willing to go so far into herself, even at her most alone their faces are in her head gently calling to her reminding her that when shes done they will be there ,that no matter what the monster in her says she’s not alone,that she is loved that she is seen and that she isn’t really stuck.

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~ by xpolx on July 24, 2016.

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