Racing Squirrels

 

Some times being in the city feels like the worst beat down i’ve ever had ,ive spent most of my life in places that people dream about doing the kinds of things that get glorified or demonised depending on who you speak to it never mattered to me really I just did them, the strange thing about it all s they were the thing that put me in a place where I was able to stop running from myself and finally begin to come to terms with who I am.

When I started to transition I was living between a 40ft boot in the in land waters around the isle of mull and the coast of Argyle and a 40 ft caravan further up the north west coast. My job was working with people on multi day wilderness journeys and I had what was for most foLk the complete dream life, but now its not a dream anymore , its real its my life all of it……

…even the bits they want to medicate out of me, the hurt the loss the despair, you know the stuff that stops you from chasing that beautiful ever changing picture of happiness, crock of shit that is, mostly im just bothered about being in the moment feeling alive rather than existing and rejecting the obsession with creating boxes that I still don’t bloody fit into

I guess that’s what scares me most about talking to the gods with the brown folders you know, they want answers rational well thought out time lines that they can track a movement with, well hey id love that too but guess what I don’t have one…..

…what I do have is a gut full of love a heart full of break and passion ,and that’s enough, im tired of the narrative that just seems to be about control that if tick this box ill be ok if I use this word it will be alright that if I pretend you know pretend, i did that for long enough and well it wasn’t so here I am so in love with the world that breaks me every day but then I have loads of fun putting myself back together,i live in a world that is so heartbreakingly beautiful that somehow all the hurt doesn’t seem to matter does that mean i’m avoidant?

Check it I got to much coffee in me yet again and im sitting on the steps of Leeds station and all I can do is laugh I sent kitty a message saying that somehow my life always comes back to sitting in these places with a skateboard or a bike and a messenger bag completely plugged into everything around me but always apart from it maybe that’s how I do it, damned if I know and truth be told damned if I care im still chasing something, what? Life, love ,laughter and its there all around me or am I making it up you know not dealing, hey maybe I should fill out a quiz online oh wai I did that once and look what’s happened….yeah navigate the world with the cyber equivalent of fukkin chicken entrails, whatever

Most of the time my heads so full that I have to keep myself busy so that it doesn’t spill over and grind me down, i got used to living with these cycles a long time ago and they’re just part of who I am, right from when I was a kid no one has ever been able to give me a worthwhile answer to the question why and all that’s happened over the years is when my head asks it my head also replies with because, because you can because its there because…..

..late night orange glow and all I can feel is the crank spinning my hearts been in my mouth for days aching like nothing i’ve ever known before except I have done i’ve had this feeling so many times but its always the first time that’s why its so disorientating always the first time,im free at large in this huge concrete playground with nothing but my desire for movement and my head turning back to the first time I read to a group of people the first time I ever really made the world see me,i couldn’t forget it if I tried there were people there that night whose work had helped me anchor myself but I was so deliriously gone that after babbling for ten minutes about how my bike doesn’t care about my gender I rode of into the dirty glow of a Yorkshire autumn and then sat in the woods the dog giggling and laughing and replaying it all in my head, I mean yeah all I did was well what I did but fuck that was way more powerful than saying to people im this kind of person, or inject palatable pseudo radical phrase here you know

hey squirrel, thats what my friend holly used to say about attention span that its like a squirrel just when you think you’ve got it pinned to one place its off in another direction, its a lot of fun but bloody hard work kind of assume that it would be hard work for anyone but throw the kind of girl I am into the mix and at times things get a bit well…tickly

yeah tickly…im so lucky to have known the people ive known and done the stuff that ive done but still recoil when people who have no idea tell me that it was all privilege, like I never had to work for anything in my life like I never paid my dues for anything, hell I cant even a take shit without it provoking dissertations and political campaigns so yeah on ya go me im dancing in the trees and bombing trails and hanging with the small dog and im pretty sure I was going somewhere with all of this but yeah squirrel

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~ by xpolx on July 24, 2016.

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